It’s over. I thought it would never end, sometimes I thought I wouldn’t make it, but somehow, through all the pain and the death and the sorrow and the death and the suffering and the death and also more death, I survived. I made it to the end of another series of Game of Thrones.
Now I don’t expect to be alright straight away (I’m still not right now). Take time to absorb what you’ve just seen, to come to terms with it, and maybe in some way, to heal. Right, are you done? Good, because we’ve probably only got another nine months before season six airs and we’ve got some theorising and wild guess work to do!
Season six looks like it’ll be the penultimate series of Game of Thrones, and a pivotal series for more reasons than one. Now I’m not going to pretend that I have any special sources or insight into how this series is going to turn out, but all these theories are 100% true.
Definite SPOILERS for season five ahead, and possible spoilers for season six (I suppose there’s a slim chance we might be wrong about some of it). Which brings us to our first theory:
Season six marks the beginning of the spoiler wars
The last five years have been a tough journey for all of us, but it’s been made worse by a single smug, supremely slappable face that belongs to a being who delights in pain. For once I’m not talking about Joffrey. I’m talking about your friend who’s read the books.
“Oh!” they would say. “Were you surprised by what happened to Ned Stark? I suppose you would be, not having read the books.”
“The Red Wedding? Well, yes, it was even more shocking in the books.”
“Books, books books. I think I’m going to marry the books because I love them so much. Almost as much that character you like loved that other character before… oh, hasn’t the TV series got that far yet?”
But as of now, the tables have turned. The season five finale used up the very last of the material in the published books (and even included a couple of bits that haven’t been seen on page yet). Season six doesn’t haven’t an air date, but it’s coming out next year and Winds of Winter is still sitting in a locked box in George RR Martin’s bedside table (he knocks most of the books out over a weekend and then spends six years chortling to himself over his agent’s frantic emails).
Now this puts your book loving friend in a bit of a bind, doesn’t it? Do they watch season six when it comes out, and spoil the books? Or do they spend a year or more sticking their fingers in their ears and hoping none of their suddenly smug-looking friends decide to spill the beans?
As poetic justice goes, it’s straight out of the books themselves.
We’re finally going to get the zombies-vs-dragons fight we’ve been waiting for
The clue is in the name. A Game of Thrones was the name of the first book, the series is called A Song of Ice and Fire. Doesn’t take much to guess the dragons are the fire, and the White Walkers are the ice. For five long years they’ve been slowly coming to a head. Like the protagonists of any good zombie movie, the characters have been more concerned with fighting for dominance among themselves than barricading all the doors and windows, but this year the episode “Hardhome” gave us some truly fantastic zombie combat (zombat?), and the next book’s title gives us reason to believe that after more lead up than Half-Life 3, Winter is finally going to Come.
The next season is the penultimate one, which puts it in the Empire Strikes Back point in the story. The “game of thrones” is going to be interrupted by a hoard of zombies coming in and busting up the joint, and the cast are going be either scattered even further or finally come together.
This is probably going to be when we finally get to see Dragons Vs Zombies. Before the zombies are quickly and unceremoniously killed. Which reminds us:
They’re going to kill Tyrion
I’m not the first to post my guesses about season six, and there’s one theory that keeps recurring. Everyone believes Jon Snow is coming back from the dead. To which I say (even though I hope it is true) “Awwwww!” Why do you think Jon’s safe? Is it because he’s one of the nice characters and people like him? Or is it because he seems like a major character who’s intrinsic to the plot? Or because he’s part of the Stark family and nothing bad ever happens to them!
No, let’s face it. Snow is gone.
This basically leaves us with only a handful of genuinely likeable characters left: Sam, Podrick, Brienne, Arya, and of course, Tyrion. Now don’t get me wrong, Pod is doomed, but he’s not really a big enough character to bring the shock and awe the way Game of Thrones likes to do. Brienne and Arya both have big plot stuff coming up. Sam seems primed for a heroic sacrifice, but why kill him when you could just kill the people he loves for added pain?
And while everyone still seems to love Tyrion, the fact is he did strangle a woman to death. Yeah, it’s easy to forget that now that he has a fancy yellow jacket and has a new purpose in life, but strangling a woman to death while crying is still strangling a woman to death. That’s going to have its karmic reward before too long. Then another six hundred fans will ragequit the series on Twitter.
A happy ending
No. Sorry. That was a cruel joke.
Image source: zaptoit.com